despite being lame it is also true.

on the one level it's hard to answer. they're all amazing, godly, wise, mature, intelligent, kind, funny, leaders. easy banter and effortless discussion. in these things i can't split them with him.

but: this thing just happened. it wasn't sought after particularly; it came to be; it was natural and smooth, a development. it was easy, and it made a strange and disarming kind of sense. whereas with them there was friendship and they stepped up because they wanted something new and more. and i really wanted to want it, firstly because they're great and secondly because hurting people is horrible. so i tried to like them in my head, or played with the possibility. turned my persuasive skills (halfheartedly) upon myself.

but:
it was plain and simple and i didn't want it.

here in this space i didn't have to think or try or weigh up or persuade. everyone talks about it in bad pop songs that jade us as we sing along in the car. but, you know, i think cliche doesn't necessarily mean lie. there is a crazy level of attraction that you can't really pinpoint or explain, that refuses to succumb to even the most earnest rationalising.

and it's really quite nice when you don't have to think too much. not propelled by my wishful head - a relief. it's not so much a decision but something that has happened in unexpected movement.