heart work

yes great reasons but frustrating, disappointing. more disappointed than i expected to be. that may not be true actually; i expected, in the event, that i would be disappointed. so now i am, and now i need to work out some things inside. because i don't want to be playing a waiting game by myself, without any other players. standing alone in a field, or something.

but not now and maybe later - these are sharp, shaky words. words on the edge of a precipice, threatening to fall: blowing in the wind, sitting and passive and vulnerable, before a gust. maybe is a dangerous, open-ended thing to say, to hear, and to believe in. it is imminent and distant, which means it is indeterminate. too close and too far - that is - both tempting and trivial. and those words don't flatten my feelings just by the saying. his speech does not do the work that i need to do, which begins after, later. now - i need to sink, settle, i need to be ok with this and move away from this. both.

writing is better for thinking and dealing. it is a gift left for me.