fragments

I once read the sentence, 'I lay awake all night with toothache, thinking about toothache and about lying awake'. That's true to life. Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen.

* * *

Don't hold yourself like that cause you'll hurt your knees.
Well I kissed your mouth and back - but that's all I need.
Don't build your world around / volcanoes melt you down...

And what I am to you is not real,
What I am to you, you do not need,
What I am to you is not what you mean to me:
You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea.

Don't throw yourself like that in front of me.
I kissed your mouth, your back - is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around / volcanoes melt me down...

I kissed your mouth.
You do not need me.

* * *

Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.



(C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed; Damien Rice, 'Volcano'; Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking)

You never really liked the Psalms that much.

If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

Psalm 55:12-14

Unintentionally suspended -

I'm waiting and it hurts a lot. Please hurry up.

Liar.

"Private assurances are terribly easy to break; they evaporate like the morning dew. After all, it is only your word against mine when I say that you misunderstood me and I didn't really say or mean what you thought. We are deeply prone to self-deception in this area above all."

From a book by Christopher Ash that was lying on Eirian's bedside table the night before she got married. On why marriage needs to be a public act.

the reality is.

i miss you terribly and i hate you for it, and i keep asking god to take away the dreams and the anger. you said that you hurt me too much and that you had to put a stop to it, but nothing you did to me then comes close to what you are doing to me now by suddenly and completely cutting yourself off from me and wiping out all the beautiful things along with the ugliness.

ben harper - amen omen

there is a boy playing guitar in my living room right now. i wish it was you but it's not and it's absolutely breaking me, still.

*****

i don't know where you came from
and i don't know where you've gone.
old friends become old strangers
between the darkness and the dawn.

amen omen, will i see your face again?
amen omen, can i find the place within
to live my life without you?

i listen to a whisper slowly drift away,
silence is the loudest parting word you never say.
i put your world into my veins
but now a voiceless sympathy is all that remains.

anon.

all my words are bloated with other people's words, and i hate that you made me a cliché.

instant

this feels so wrong. i have nowhere to put my feelings.

still life.

hope does not disappoint us

whether well-fed or hungry

we have the mind of Christ

then we shall see face to face

the fragrance of life

unveiled faces

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort

who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light

a quiet life.

Letters 2.

i'm looking forward to one day being able to answer 'good' when someone asks me how i am
but then again the last time i looked forward to one day it didn't work out so well

Letters.

i imagined myself with a new name

By the way

I'm not desperate. But you should have fought for me.

denial

a month spent in a big black cloud. so hazy i can't even think of an original metaphor.

i'm really scared, just quietly.

You Have Forgotten.

People keep telling me I'm coping really well but they are wrong. I wake up crying every morning after fitful nights passed in and out of horribly realistic nightmares. I want this warped version of you to get out of my dreams. To step outside the hazy edges, morph back into the man who loves me, decide that i'm worth fighting for, and come back home to me for real. Because love? It doesn't just bail.

God says

That I have loved right.

forever in an hour.

i'm regretting all the times i took for granted just walking down the street holding your hand.

i don't know why i never imagined those walks coming to an end.

i want to string together beautiful little sentences to make you want me. but really, i just want you to want me. i didn't think it was really that much to ask. i didn't think i would have to hold you down and twist your arm.

thousands of kilometres shouldn't mean anything if you really cared for me. but then again i can't, cannot, face the prospect that you don't really care for me after all.

do you really want to let go of my hand?

will that really make your life better?

i guess you don't understand how much you've hurt me. i simply can't believe that you could have done this to me if you had any inkling of what these days would be like for me.

faraway.

what on earth are you thinking? how can you be like that when i am like this? why do you think things are so hard for me right now? who do you think made me feel this way?

i cannot

handle this.

you

you know what? life is really hard. really un-cookie cutter.

new year.

down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down down.